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Wow has anyone ever read one of these?
We have to have one of these dealios to explain how we comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because God knows there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.
Also we don’t really know what these things are. We’re just people who love nature and shit.
Short words (because we’d rather be outside)
Here we go…
We’re a tiny, overstretched business and we don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that we’re not evil – we’re as corruptible as anyone – we’re just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity. We collect and store the info we need to provide you with the service you buy from us. We might at some point stalk you via Facebook adverts, but we’re probably not that motivated. That’s really it.
STALKY VISITOR TRACKING
Look, we’re following you, ok? We use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people are looking at so we can write more of the stuff you like.
We have the Facebook Pixel installed so that we can sell you stuff. Yes you heard it. We are a business and – shocker – we want you to spend money with us. The Facebook Pixel means that we can see how people interact with our site and with Facebook adverts and then we try to flog you relevant stuff. If you’ve not seen the Facebook Ads analytics dashboard MAN ALIVE it’s stalker central. That shit is a terrifying Black Mirror horror show. If you’re not on Facebook – well bloody done but the pixel is tracking you anyway.
None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that we’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE GETTING YOUR ASS OUTSIDE.
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. We store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?
Here on this website! If you register with the site we will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff from us we will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to us, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. We obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only two people have access to it. Only one of them ever actually looks at it and that’s to solve any technical problems you might have.
We’ll be honest: we do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. We might use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. For e.g. if you sign up for a free call, we might later ask you if you want to go deeper down that rabbit hole with a course or program. If you’ve done one of our courses, we’ll occasionally ask you if you want to do another course. Does that make us EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?
If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything on our site – newsletter, free course, paid course, membership, merch, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp, which is the system we use to manage our newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.
When we can figure out how this magical mystery machine works, this is sometimes a go-between between the website and our third party services. When it works (i.e. we figured out how to set it up properly), your name, email address and other bits travel through this system on the way to our other systems. Your data is held in the logs.
YOUR PAYMENT DETAILS
When you buy stuff, you will pay through PayPal. We don’t hold any payment-based details on our site. We have no bank or card details or nada here. PayPal is being totally weird about it but will have to be GDPR compliant or everyone in Europe will have to stop using it and probably they don’t want that.
EMAIL MARKETING THINGIES AND NEWSLETTERS
If you sign up to our newsletter, we will send you a newsletter whenever we have something worth sharing and we remember to share it. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp.
If you sign up for a course or program, we will send you emails about the course or program. The frequency of which depends on the course or program. You can unsubscribe but you’ll miss important stuff about the course or program; that would be silly.
Mailchimp automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link WE KNOW. If you open an email WE KNOW. If you ignore us WE KNOW.
The most important thing about this is we have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.
YOUR RIGHT TO BE DELETED
FINE THEN! WE DON’T CARE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck us an email at email@example.com and we’ll delete all the info we have on you from our systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what we could have possibly done wrong.
This does not include PayPal. If you want to delete your PayPal account you have to do that yourself via PayPal. We cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.
Just so you know, though, you won’t be able to access our courses anymore. We’re not being dicks, it’s because we need your email address so we know you’ve paid and that you’re allowed to access it.
SOCIAL MEDIA AND ALL THAT BOLLOCKS
We use social media a lot, partly to promote our stuff but mostly as a vehicle for our creative swearing and inciting social change.
You are not required to follow our social media accounts and we won’t ask ourselves to temper ourselves just to keep someone happy there. If we do something stupid there, we deserve to be called out on it. And if you do something stupid there, we can block you.
Updated: June 17, 2019